Identity Crisis

Today was just one of those identity crisis days. The kind where doubt and fear kick into overdrive and torment me with questions about the meaning of life. It started with a conversation at work about evolution. I was showing my co-workers an article in National Geographic magazine about the vast amount of life found in a single square foot of space in nature, and there were these gorgeous compilation pictures of individual creatures that the photographer snapped, many of them appearing similar, but also exquisitely different. One of my co-workers, a wonderful and mind-bogglingly intelligent gentleman who is a theistic evolutionist, told me in good humor that such diversity with similar design was what compelled him to hold to evolution, even though he also believes in a Higher Power. I replied, hopefully in as good a humor, that such diversity was exactly what made me acknowledge the awesome creativity of a God who brought into being vast numbers of different creatures with similarities that allowed them all to coexist on the same planet and adapt to the same general environmental needs. My co-worker replied with a good-natured laugh that he had hope for me that I would come over to his side someday, and the other intern I work with, who is not a believer, chimed in with her agreement. The situation made me realize that I really don't think I do a good enough job at portraying the image of Christ to those I work with. It is very difficult being employed in a secular environment, especially one where biology is the center of what I do, and I am surrounded by legitimately lovely people who simply do not share my faith. Not only that, but to most of them it is really foolishness. So much evidence seems to point to evolution, and for all I know, perhaps God really did employ it when He created the universe. But it seems to me that it would be a limiting of His power, and a lack of faith on my part, to assume that He took millions of years to bring life into being when of course He is capable of doing it in a moment, or six days. On the other hand, a year is like a day to Him, and a day a year, so perhaps He did take His time, at least in the sense that humanity views time. And perhaps it really would be a greater demonstration of His omniscience if He guided creatures through the evolution of various adaptations to change with a world that is constantly in flux, both naturally and culturally. But the bottom line is, after that conversation, I felt stupid. I felt as though my co-workers must look at me ruefully, as at a caveman who doesn't know any better than to hold to his primeval religion, which as all true atheist evolutionists know, is simply a coping device humanity invented to bring them comfort in a rather depressing and harsh world. I began to ask myself if it was really worth it, living this Christian life. It's just so darn hard. And the other intern is a very nice girl, a very adventurous, kind-hearted spirit whose company I can enjoy, even if we are fundamentally not on the same page. She has a wonderful, caring family, and she seems always happy and surrounded by people who are happy about life. If she can live like that without God, I wondered, then why do I bother believing in Him myself?
Thankfully, God did not leave me to wrestle that one out all alone. Later in the afternoon, I was reading a short article in a high quality secular magazine about a man who dedicated his life to studying altruism, the "religion" of being kind to every other creature in the world without selfish motives. Apparently the man abandoned his family to pursue his studies, and after choosing to live among the less fortunate, finally committed suicide. The article was a much-needed reminder that love does not flow forever without a foundation in God. No matter how much we try to be selfless in our interactions with the world, given enough time it will eventually disappoint us and leave us cynical and disillusioned. I am so grateful that the Holy Spirit is the giver of Joy, and that I don't have to conjure it up by my own strength. And even if I can never "prove" that there is a Divine Being who created the universe, I know in the depths of my soul that there are just some things that evolution cannot explain--like unconditional grace, and a faith that somehow persists...even when its possessor wants to lie down and give up the fight.